Dog Jokes_Speaking of Awful

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

The chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black Lab said...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Dog and Cat Diary

DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. . .

For now...

What is life without Pets?

Aren't they just the sweetest? Can't wait for Roxie to have them babies .

Puppy Love

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups. And set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.



"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer,
as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,
"These puppies come from fine parents
and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment.
Then reaching deep into his pocket,
he pulled out a handful of change
and held it up to the farmer.

"I've got thirty-nine cents.
Is that enough to take a look?"



"Sure," said the farmer.
And with that he let out a whistle.
"Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran






Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence,




the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up..






"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.

In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said,
"You see sir, I don't run too well myself,
and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup



Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy.


"How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."



The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

It's National Friendship Week.

Show your friends how much you care.
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND

If it comes back to you,
then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

Jealous Odor

"Daisy, our Shih Tzu, transmits a strange odor, only I could smell", claims Sarah our neighbor. "What do you mean?" I asked her. "No one smells it except me!", she explained further. Josh, her husband raised Daisy since she was a baby. So when they got married, Daisy was exiled to the garden instead of the sleeping in the bedroom with Josh. " Oh, I see, She's jealous of you" I concluded. "That figures!"

ski resort

A friend of mine who enjoys skiing took his dog along and left him at the foothill while he goes skiing. He placed a sign in front of his dog which reads, "I am cold and hungry" and left a coinbox as well. At the end of his day, he averages a collection of 100 dollars a day. What a way to make a living!

dog custody

I did not know that I would be so crazy about my dog Roxie until I had her. Now I understand why people even fight for the custody of their dog.

Several years ago, I used to work for Delta Airlines at the Frankfurt airport and work at the baggage department. We made sure that baggages were delivered in good condition, and if they weren't, we usually traced them or took care of them when they were damaged.

It was interesting to see Fifi Dog, as a regular visitor in our department. It so happens that her mommy and daddy divorced and since they were so attached to Fifi, they agreed to a 50% custody of the dog. Since one parent was residing in Switzerland and the other in Germany, they shuffled Fifi back and forth the 2 countries every 2 weeks.

Oh boy,I do understand that they love their dog, but isnt't this love animal cruely as well?